I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
