Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
