I have demons in me.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
It's rum buckets o'clock
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