Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize