Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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