He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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