I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
