Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
