got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
