He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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