if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
