Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
