Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
this must be what syphilis tastes like
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
