Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
