Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
