Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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