Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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