Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
