My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
