Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
How does one acquire holy water?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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