Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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