I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
