I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
