I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
