Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
