i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
