thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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