gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
