Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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