I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Congratulations! We have a period
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