Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
