Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
