The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
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