I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
