He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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