Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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