Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
