I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
