Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize