After last night, I could never be a politician.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
