i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
