I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
