cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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