its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
