I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The Olympian is in my bed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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