I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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