i jhust puked up my retainher.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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