Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
