I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
