Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She even gives head with a lisp.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
