remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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