you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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